Saturday, December 10, 2011
A three-man race: Mouch vs. Scrooge vs. C3PO
As we approach the Republican primaries, it is looking more and more like there are three clear front-runners in the race to be the next President of the United States. (Warning: this post is satire)
On the left, we have Wesley Mouch, the bureaucrat and orator whose goal is to "spread the wealth around." Every morning one can see a long line of special interest representatives in front of his desk, hoping that it is finally their turn to receive a waiver or special tax break from Mouch. He is hated by the 1%, who regularly check their closets and under their beds at night for fear that his ACORN minions will snatch their wealth away from under their pillows as they sleep. Small business owners have been seen stocking up on tea and fleeing into the Rocky Mountains, knowing the health-care penalties that await them if they dare to hire more than 50 employees. Mouch has a particular talent for delaying tough decisions until after the next election. Then again, since he was given a Nobel Prize for doing nothing, perhaps he is merely trying for a second one.
On the right, we have Ebenezer Scrooge. A tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, he is well remembered for the 1995 government shutdown, which caused much weeping and gnashing of teeth from lobbyists across the country and a large number of legitimate complaints as well. Miserly to the core, he has called for schools to save money by putting poor children to work as janitors. He maintains that he "cannot afford to make idle people merry"--and to him, the poor are all idle people, an inevitable result of growing up in neighborhoods where people have no work habits unless they are doing something illegal. He is also an outspoken proponent of "starving the beast". This angers many liberals who believe that the "beast" is really Prince Charming who was transformed into a beast by an evil Republican sorcerer sometime during the Reagan administration.
And finally, in the middle we have C3PO, protocol droid. He has a squeaky-clean appearance but a rather stiff demeanor. He also has a special talent for abruptly changing his programming in order to appeal to any particular constituency he wishes. However, he has struggled to convince evangelicals that he was in fact created by God and not by a young Darth Vader on Tatooine. Few doubt his competence, but he lacks charisma and sometimes displays a paranoia that causes him to flee from confrontations rather than engage political opponents head-on at debates. The presumptive Republican front-runner since 2008, he has nevertheless failed to put any distance between himself and his primary opponents, leading many of his supporters to admit that they "have a bad feeling about this."